Hit the fan
by Rainbrat
Summary: Sasuke smells like soap. I know this from falling right on freakin' top of him. “Haruno, as a bodyguard, your job is to protect the client, not molest him.” SASUSAKU


Uchiha Sasuke smells like natural olive soap.

I know this-

-From face faulting right on freaking top of him.

"Haruno, as a bodyguard, your job is to protect the client, not molest him."

(Kill Meeeee.)

The diary of an:  
Insane, ass-kicking newbie bodyguard.  
Haruno Sakura.

X If found, please return to owner. We know where you live. Ha, ha (Sonotfunny.) X

...

...

XHit the fanX

By:**R**ainbrat.

Dear chickie.  
Happy (Late) birthday! Since you're going to be catching bullets while I catch rays in Madrid, you're on journal writing duty so you can send it to me and tell me all the new gos!  
Heart you,  
Ino.  
P.S. One word: tannnnnn *Squeal*

* * *

Ha, ha, yeah. If bitchface Ino is spending time in the sun, I hope she:

-Becomes red as a lobster (And looks like one too!)  
-Gets food poisoning.  
- Meets jaws (BTW, must never watch that before going to the beach again!)

Oh, and on a brighter note: Squeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal! My bed is comfort heaven! My room even has a bathroom! (So ha, ha sucks to be you Miss Shark bait- Ino.) Uchiha mansion accommodates bodyguards better than any Spanish hotels! Seriously, it's like, totally unfair, the whole sitch. Ino gets assigned to Madrid to replace Tenten (Secret government business there.) and I'm stuck here. In Japan.

Babysitting Uchiha-sex on legs- Sasuke.

Okay, maybeeeeee Ino is in a little more danger, seeing how Tenten died. (Mustnotrememberthat) But making sure that super badass organization 'Akatsuki' doesn't kill our client is tough too.

Whoever thinks lying is hard has obviously never meant the essence of awesomeness, Haruno Sakura.

Because I'll let one thing slip.

UCHIHA SASUKE IS FUCKING HOT

*Ahem.* Not that I like him or anything. 'Cos that'd be, like, irresponsible.

I did, however, press my boobs into his face.

On the first day of the job.

So here's the shit

**Name: **Haruno Sakura  
**Age: **18 (Can you say prodigy?)  
**Client: **Uchiha Sasuke.  
**Mission: **To protect the last surviving member of the Uchiha family from his psychopathic brother Uchiha Itachi.  
**Teammates: **Sabuku no Gaara (Creeeeep), Sabuku no Temari (Bitch.), Nara Shikamaru, Karin (Swoon) Uzumaki Naruto, Hyuuga Neji (Double swoon.)

-

Two words: Bodyguards: Paranoid, much?!

"They're all needed to pick up your slack, nerd." (Nerd by association, sweetheart.) Yeah, thanks Karin. Smexy haircuts= jerks.

And Uchiha Sasuke fits ever so nicely into that equation (Love for duck butts!)

Though after my latest Sexual harassment act, even I doubt my brilliance.

Curse you, high heels! (Grr).

Though, as jerk-ee (Is that a word?) as he is, Uchiha Sasuke= smex.

Kakashi totally smacked me when I told him this. On the head, not- Eww!

Which really wasn't a good idea, seeing as I wasn't a balanced in Uchiha-impressing high heels as I'd hoped.

See, Kakashi does not have a smexy haircut, so he really has no reason for being a jerk. He's my squad leader though (Which seems to puthimthroughalotofstress!!!111 eek) and places upon him all manners of Sakura-abusing duties.

Anyway, back to falling.

Sugar honey iced- ack!

"Haruno, as a bodyguard, you're supposed to protect our client, not molest him."

That, my future children, is how I met your father, Uchiha Sasuke. **(And if you are reading my diary, you're in heaps of trouble, so go tell mummy right now.)** Hot gos, eh?

My heels (the root of all evil!) and mini skirt outfit had Kakashi's seal of _disapproval _all over it.

"Molest, protect, same diff." I grumbled and so totally flashed a killer smile at Sasuke at the same time, ignoring Karin's snickering in the background.

"No Haruno, one makes the client happy, one makes them unhappy. Get it?""

Kakashi (Synonymous with _womanizer_) went on to apologize to a now glaring Sasuke! Pancake. "Sorry about her. This is Haruno Sakura. Just ignore her, everybody else does."

Arghh! Let me at him, let me at-

"Tch." Ohhh, hawt voice. I can totally foresee me waking up to _that _every morning. "Just keep her out of my hair."

*Yawnnnnn* and the rest, my dear Ino, is not worth writing. Debriefing. Drooling over Sasuke. Being abused by the Child-basher. Drooling. Unpacking. Standard stuff.

One final note:

Me + Sasuke= Soooooo _not _going to happen. Totally. Cannotstressthisenough.

Love,  
Your super smexy bodyguard who doesn't miss her conniving BFF.

-

**July 15th  
_We've only got four minutes to save the world._**

I have to come to the shocking realization that maybe I'm not actually allowed to keep a diary. You know security risk and all.

Well, actually, Karin helped me come to this conclusion. Points to her.

Like this diary is a risk! That's abso-fucking-lutely ridiculous. Probably. I'm 99% sure that whoever the Akatsuki is, a diary about a girl who paints her nails pink and talks about how much she hates Ino and loves Karin and is abused by her squad leader is not going to help much.

Well, Ino is not hated. But Karin is loved! And today she has been crowned: Sakura's new BFF! I hope you're reading this Ino (And that you're nowhere near your gun when you do.) After a night of luxurious sleep (The Uchiha's _really _know how to accommodate.) and daily debriefing, I got to work.

**Mission: **Find a new best friend.

Since Ino went MIA, I need to die with someone I don't feel like murdering. Since Sasuke is seems to be suffering from some disorder (Not-realizing-how-awesome-Sakura-is syndrome, veeeery common these days.) Agent Sakura went undercover in alien territory, looking to make alliances.

First: Temari. I tried cozing up to the blonde, but reasoning with princess _bitchface _patients is never helpful. I can't blame her, there's nothing to do but ward of insanity and any thoughts of going on a maniacal killing spree and prevent the inevitable hanging of ourselves with our shoelaces. Mine have cherries on them, FYI (so much cooler than yours!)

Anyways, back to the friend finding. Naruto was no use (though to took the opportunity to bitch to me about Ino's transfer and the Uchiha households lack of Ramen) Hinata= A sniffling, shy package (No par-tay for Sakura *Sniff*) writing her 56th postcard to a guy named Kiba.

(fml)

No friends for Sakuraaaaaaa! (Because let's face it, making conversation with Neji, Gaara or Shikamaru is social suicide.)

Unless.

"Heeeeeeeey Karin."

Despite what was previously written, Karin is cool. Except her pop songs obsession, which does not even come close to coolness. (Bleh!)

"Hey, I met you the other day." Could you look any smugger? "Nice ass, by the way."

'BTW' Karin, my ass is awesome. Thanks for noticing.

Despite the awesomeness of the topic, my ass was not all that was discussed over a blaring Madonna CD. "Hey, you reckon that Uchiha kid is hot?"

LE GASP!

".....No."

_Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes_

"More for me then." Like hell!

Wait. I did not just write that. I am a responsible bodyguard, damnit!

Crapppppppp

Love,

Karin's BFF.

**July 18****th**

Sorry if my writing is a little cramped, all transmission is currently taking place from under my bed because Kakashi and/or Sasuke must not be allowed to find me. Ever. In a life or embarrassment situation, Haruno Sakura is willing to inhale over a litre of dust and cobwebs and even lie side by side with her most formidable foe: Spiders. There's a particularly hairy one only a few away, giving me the stink eye. Woe is me.

Because, being like, the most super bodyguard ever, Sakura was ready bright and early for Sasuke protecting duty. (nottttt)

"HIYA SASUKE!" Wave-wave!

(Just a little excited, first time of bodyguard duty!!!! HI MUM!!!)

"Tch, don't be so loud."

Sasuke's kind of a jerk. But he's hot, so I'll forgive him. Wait. That sounded incredibly shallow. I'm not shallow. I'm-

-a super bodyguard. Even Sasuke couldn't doubt my awesome skillage! And trailing Sasuke through a fifty roomed mansion is hard.

And even more boring than sitting around. Even clear views of Sasuke's ass (DON'T JUDGE ME!) Couldn't make up for the fact that Sasuke doesn't really talk. At all.

-Scenario-

**SH**- Soooo, what school did you go to?  
**SU- **....  
**SH-** Hey, what did you think of the flick with-  
**SU-** Tch, haven't seen any in a while.

**...**

WHATS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?????

Then it happened, the second-

ZOMFGBBQ THE SPIDER MOVED!!!!!!!!

... Sorry for interrupting the whole storey flow there just had a bit of a moment (Spaz attack.) The spider is no longer a problem, and the guts on my sneakers where I made spider pancake will agree.

Yes, I know, EWW!

Anywhoosle, the second Sasuke/Sakura fiasco. It was a metallic squeak! A squeak that ruined my life! (Damn all you squeaky do-dads.) Doing the whole 007 routine down the corridor (All spy like.) when I heard it.

A squeak. Probably nothing. Probably. Maybe. Definitely something!

My precious Sasuke was in danger (Because we were so totally the only people allowed on this floor.)

Bodyguard! Sakura (Synonymous with health hazard) jumped into action. "Get down."

And the next part was totally Sasuke's fault, because HE DIDN'T GET DOWN AS FAST AS HE SHOULD HAVE so I really had no choice-

-In pushing him into the wall

-And sort of pressing against him, like a meat shield, gun drawn.

Veeeeeeery professional like. Not my fault if I was facing into him or my legs were slightly apart. All part of the procedure. Probably the FBI totally wants to hire me.

Le sigh.

"Who's there?"

(The squeak was actually a cart filled with dirty dishes being pushed by a blue haired woman giving me the most patronizing stare ever. But don't tell Sasuke that, because he-already-knows-shoot-me)

"That." Drawled Uchiha-pinned-against-the-wall Sasuke. "Would be my cleaning lady."

"And get your boobs out of my face. Again."

Ugh.

**July 19th**

**Dear Miss Haruno.**

**After reviewing your 'account', I have deduced that it is not a security threat. However as you obviously hold more than an employer/employee relationship; I am reliving you of all direct duties involving the client.**

**Kakashi, The 'child basher.'**

...I think there's the slight possibility I definitely **wasn't **supposed to keep this journal.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING FUN IN MADRID INO, WHILE I'M BUSTING MY ASS OUT OVER THIS JOURNAL!!

Though, leaving my journal open on my bed while I showered off the dust and spider guts (Eww!) isn't the smartest thing I've done.

Kakashi is still a child basher, AND completely unfair. I mean, just because I think Sasuke is sexy and I've managed to molest him twice, doesn't mean I like him.

I'm so not in love with Sasuke. This time for real (Arghh!)

-

**July 20****th**

-Notes about everything Sakura (With nothing to do with the Uchiha case, so put that in your juice box and suck it Kakashi!)-

Things not to accomplish.

-Fall for Karin, OR ITACHI (Because that's such a Sakura thing to do.)  
- Piss of Kakashi even more.  
-Ruin my nails (Not cool, y'all.)  
-Let Sasuke die.  
-Let anyone die (Or end up killing them, which is not unlike me.)  
- Go _completely _insane  
- Get shitfaced on the job (He he...)  
-Fall for Uchiha Sasuke (Cannot stress this enough!!!)

**July 22****rd**** 11:20 P.M.**

It's like, twelve. But Sakura, as she lies in her FABULOUS bed, is **not **asleep.

Why?

Twelve points if you guessed the screams and gunshots erupting from down the hallway.

No, not the kind of 'Holy-shit-Haruno,-get-off-your-ass-and-do-something' sounds. It's the kind of sounds coming from a TV.

Even if _we_ aren't under attack, my sanity _is_. Catty! Sakura is off to claim her first victim.

-

**July 23****rd**** 3:08 A.M.**

Three hours later, my insomnia problem has yet to be solved.

...

No, Sasuke isn't still watching horror movies in his bedroom.

He's being sick in the fucking bathroom.

(Ho, shit.)

Everything went awry when I dragged my bed wrangled self _out _of bed and down the hallway, throwing open a door, ready to release the floodgates of hell.

ZOMFG, Sasuke looks a-do-ra-ble in only black boxers.

And he's the one looking at me strangely.

Wait! The awesomely fashionable Haruno Sakura is wearing Karin's PJ's (Don't ask, she had a thing for my cherry jim-jams and demanded a swop.)

Karin's pathetic PJ's

-Shorty shorts, tight as hell.

-A playboy shirt, pulled up to show my stomach (This kind of stuff looks good on, like, a Barbie doll.)

-Knee high penguin socks (I'm going to have a rash tomorrow.)

Not to mention my bed hair! LE GASP!

*Insert short period where we both try to make ourselves a little more presentable.*

"Um... where's Neji? It's his shift to watch you tonight."

"I dismissed him" Oh, **badass. "**I can't sleep, and he's a little scary when he's watching you."

"Uh, you weren't supposed to do thing." Yes, because I'm totally educated on all things right and wrong. "What if Itachi attacks tonight? You're supposed to be guard 24/7"

"Brilliant deduction." Sex-on-legs went back to his guts and screams video (Inner! Sasuke: Maybe if I ignore her, she'll go away.)

And just because I'm a sadist. "I know I'll guard you tonight!"

"Like OMFG!" Damnit, Sasuke does a good Sakura! Impersonation. "I can take care of myself."

Uchiha's, it seems, are rather hard to impress. Not to be deterred, I flopped down beside Sasuke on the bed, trying to ignore the discomfort written all over Sasuke's face. That, or blatant disgust.

Hey, I may be a fan-girl, boy obsessed and a little useless at times, but I''m brave. You've gotta give me that.

Discomfort was the word of the night. Because Sasuke had picked an incredibly violent movie to watch at twelve o'clock at night, and while horror doesn't usually faze me, oh-my-freaking-god-that's-disgusting.

Sasuke, being the angel that he is, saw my _slightly _disturbed expression. "Look, do you want to play Xbox instead?"

"Only if you want to." Sasuke just rolled his eyes, tossing a controller to me deftly. He begins to say something about controls and game play as he plugs the Xbox in, but I can't really concentrate.

'_Nice ass' _Well, I was concentrating on something. Not matter; I am an excellent Nintendo player! Wait, this is Xbox. Crappppp. This is more confusing then Mist.

And Sasuke just sniped me. Again.

"Sorry" I say, after kill 57. "It must be pretty boring, just killing me."

"Not really. You always find new ways to suck."

Cherry- 0

SUchiha- Fifty fucking thousand.

Arghh, he's laughing at me. Actually, I'd laugh at myself too. "Please tell me you're not this bad with a gun in real life?"

Blasphemy! I'm damn good with a gun, KKthnx.

The hacking, sniping, running over and stabbing of my character continue until the game ends with a score too embarrassing to write down. The time on the clock reads **11:58** "I can't believe I'm about to spend today with a bunch of moronic strangers."

Note my very none moronic "Huh?"

"It'll be my birthday in... one minute."

What-the-fuck? "Your birthday? You need to have a party! And cake! And alcohol, and girls, and presents!"

Sasuke just rolls his eyes. "Who's going to get me present, idiot?"

Who? Why me, of course! Yes, that is a brilliant idea! Except, I don't have a present. "Silly, _I _got you something."

A quick trip to the kitchen fixes all of these problems, and I emerge with: A cake! Brilliant, yesyes? Well, it was actually a 'Sorry-for-giving-you-a-permanent-migraine-cake to Kakashi, but Sasuke needs it more. Cake is probably bad for old people, anyway.

"That... Does not look like a cake." Hey, discrimination against all things lumpy and completely unpresentable! "I just hope I'm insured." Sasuke takes the knife from my hand; cutting a small piece.

"IT CAME OUT DIRTY!"

".....So?"

Drat, Uchiha's are not well read in the area of birthday tradition.

"You're supposed to kiss the nearest girl when that happens."

"... You've _got_ to be kidding. I'm not kissing you because the knife's dirty..." Fine. It's not like I care.

Because I don't love Sasuke.

I don't love Sasuke.

I don't love Sasuke.

I don't love-

And then he grabbed me, shoved his tongue down my throat and kissed me. Passionately.

That would be a **lie.** He leant over and pressed his lips against my cheek.

(Yes, good things do happen to bad people!)

"Thanks for the cake." He murmurs. "For actually getting me something. Even if it looks, and probably tastes like crap."

Uchiha's aren't exactly world renowned in their complimenting skills.

Then, he took a bite.

Can't you see the pain he's in? The heartache, the longing, knowing he can never be with me? God, it makes me so happy!

No, he looks like he's in actual pain. That's not good. Oh, shit.

"Oh god, what did you put in this? It tastes like it's been overcooked and undercooked at the same-ugh"

That was just a little harsh. However, seeming to be in great intestinal urgency, Sasuke got up, rushing from the room.

Smooth.

-

**July 23****rd**** 3:48 P.M.**

Uchiha's, as I have observed, do not regurgitate their food.

"So you stayed up and gave our client food poisoning?" Note to readers, when Karin (Read: bitchface of a BFF.) smirks, stuff of the shit variety hits the fan. "You were watching horror movies? Sounds like my kind of guy."

"Karin, you scream when the toaster pops."

"HARUNO, YOU USED OUR CLIENT AS A FOOD TASTER?" Kakashi wasn't too happy when I told him that the cake was actually meant for him. Actually, 'happy' and 'Kakashi' contradict each other when used in the same sentance.

What if Itachi never comes? That's an unappealing thought. I'll be stuck here forever. Though, I'm probably doing a damn better job at killing his brother then _he_ is.

Uchiha Sasuke was admitted into hospital for food poison a few hours ago.

Somewhere in the world, a little man carrying manure is on a crash course with a truckload of fans.

-Fin-

* * *

Lawl, this was more SasuSaku-ISH. But don't worry, Sasuke will love Sakura because she made him a cake. Probably. I don't think I'll continue this, unless I get some ideas. I know most SasuSaku fics have Bitch! Karin, but personally, I think she's _fan-tastic._ Drop me a line, eh?


End file.
